Thanksgiving is a time for family, food, and appreciation of what we have in the world. It’s a time to focus on those in need and share stories and a meal around a large table. But poor Ulamog just never gets invited. In the past he’s been to a couple Thanksgivings but after eating everyone and everything there, his mailbox has been invite empty for a quite a number of years. Of course, Thanksgiving with Kozilek, Butcher of Truth and Emrakul is always an option. They are family after all, but Ulamog never really feels at home with them. Kozilek always pokes fun of Ulamog and asks him what it’s like to have lost his annihilator status with Multiverse Express. But that’s not fair. Ulamog just doesn’t leave Zendikar as often as his brothers to rack up those frequent planeswalking miles. And then there’s Emrakul who mostly mutters spaghetti gibberish which always reminds Ulamog just how hungry is.
Speaking of hunger, Ulamog’s is ceaseless. We all know that by now, but what does a ceaseless hunger really mean? It means Thanksgiving is more an eternal quest for Ulamog than a celebration. Ulamog is just misunderstood. His terror on the plane of Zendikar is just him trying to get full, like the rest of us. The tryptophan that makes us all tired from eating turkey just doesn’t have the full effect on good ol’ Ulamog. Even when Ulamog does finally get to eat it’s in Standard, where he’s feasting on lands to mana screw unsuspecting planeswalkers. The next time Ulamog gets ordered to eat a Mountain and a Canopy Vista he might just go on strike. Clearly that Siege Rhino has to taste better than some landscapes right?
Even worse is that when Ulamog is appreciated in Standard, he just gets overlooked due to stupid old Ugin. Why would anyone care about a super powerful Spirit Dragon when Ulamog is the real life of the party? In fact, Ulamog recently wrote a letter to WotC R&D to try and get Ugin banned because then people would see what Ulamog is really all about, but it didn’t work and the response was something about balance or whatever and how Standard is just fine. Ulamog then briefly considered eating everyone at Wizards out of rage, but realized they wouldn’t make any future sets and more creatures to eat, and so he set aside his selfish hunger for a brief moment and found some more Zendikari to prey on.
In a final attempt to appease his Thanksgiving hunger, Ulamog went on a quest to find the BFM. He had heard that this was the ultimate eating challenge and that if he finished eating the BFM he’d get his picture taken and hung on the wall of Planar Eats, a restaurant well known in the multiverse for its food challenges. No one had ever succeeded in eating the whole BFM, but Ulamog was able to do so in 10 turns, even though he had up to 15 if he really needed them all.
Afterwards, Ulamog had hope. He started to feel a little full. 99-toughness goes a long way to satisfy a craving. A mere hour later though, Ulamog was ready to eat again. He went to the Hagra Swamp to cry a little. No one seemed to care about his insatiable hunger, and he couldn’t find a way to make it stop. Thanksgiving made him feel even worse about it as everyone else he knew was happily taking afternoon naps after a giant meal, before ultimately getting ready to do some Black Friday shopping. Will his problem ever be resolved?
I’m here today to help Ulamog. I understand his plight and I’ve made the deck just for him. It’s full of delicious Highland Game and Alpine Grizzly. He can eat to his heart’s content and then some. For those that are vegetarian, Ulamog begrudgingly eats his vegetables because he’s told that Explosive Vegetation is good for any ramp diet. But after that it’s right back to the main course. His goal? To eat it all. Graveyard or from exile, he really doesn’t care as long as it’s out of sight, out of mind, and in his belly.
This is Thanksgiving with Ulamog: