Strixhaven is here! The five colleges of the School of Mages have already provoked and enflamed debate about which is the best. Nerds love to argue about inconsequential nonsense, such as which made-up magic nerd club is superior, so I’m here today to save us all some time and put the matter to bed. Here is a definitive and objective ranking of all five Strixhaven colleges, put together after minutes – minutes – of careful thought and rigorous investigation.
Of all the nonsense, rubbish academic disciplines – from underwater basket weaving to left-handed puppetry – none comes close to the most outrageously useless and overrated discipline of them all: mathematics. Mathematologists around the world have played us for absolute fools, for centuries. They pretend their field of study makes sense and unveils the great hidden mysteries of existence, when in truth they can’t even agree on if it’s called “maths” or “math.”
The simple fact of the matter is that we don’t need mathematics. We’ve got fingers for counting, and in case of emergency, some toes as well. If regular numbers weren’t hard enough, so-called mathematical experts now claim there are “transcendental” and “surreal” numbers – and even “imaginary” numbers! Here’s an imaginary number for you: Ƣ. Hello, I would like Ƣ apples, please. Can I have my maths PhD now?
Mathematics is the biggest scam ever pulled. They tell us that three is bigger than two, and then in the same breath claim that ⅓ is now smaller than ½! They invent division, and then arbitrarily decide that no, you’re not allowed to divide with some numbers! They’re making up as they go along, taking us all for a ride and they’re raking in all those maths dollars while they do it, probably making up new numbers as they do to make themselves richer.
As if maths by itself wasn’t bad enough, maths enthusiasts only make it worse, and that’s all that Quandrix is. A bunch of nerds – I’ll say it, I’ll call them what they are, nerds – who decided that the 10 fingers and 10 toes we were given aren’t good enough for them. Now, they’re off making up numbers like γ and ∑ (using letters for numbers? I don’t think so. Stay in your lane, maths), summoning Fractals and spouting off about complicated geometric concepts like the golden ratio or squares. I won’t have it. We should abolish mathematics immediately, and go back to counting on our fingers as Garfield intended.
I said before that mathematics is the biggest scam ever pulled, and I stand by that – but if there’s a runner-up, it’s definitely art. There’s largely no difference between art and maths, except art doesn’t restrict its pretentious, overblown love of inaccessible nonsense to a bunch of numbers and graphs and formulae. No – you can slap a bit of yellow and blue paint on a canvas, and get paid $46.5 million for it. What an absolute racket.
You get pretentious wine-sniffing idiots looking at a block of red paint and saying things like “hm, yes, this work really does challenge your own prejudicial notions of artistic merit and cultural worth, does it not” before getting out their checkbooks to pay tens of millions for something that looks like a two-year-old scrawled on a wall. I’ll tell you this – all the idiots who admired the emperor’s new clothes must have been artists and mathematicians, because they don’t seem to be able to get enough of that sort of thing.
Prismari know what they’re doing. Behind all the fancy colored flashing lights and pretty translucent animals are a bunch of students who couldn’t hack a real academic discipline. Now, they’re “artists,” and the particularly bad ones will start spelling that with an “e” at the end, heaven forbid. Prismari also seem to realize that it’s all about the money – they’re more than happy to discard their work for Treasure. So much for doing art for art’s own sake, eh?
Not smart enough to become a physicist? That’s not a problem – you could study chemistry instead. Not smart enough to study chemistry? No worries, can I interest you in… biology, perhaps?
Biology is unnatural and disgracefully hypocritical. Biologists claim to study life – they even put “bio” in the name, which comes from the Greek for “life” – and yet all they seem to do all day is cut up frogs and poke around in their insides, which isn’t highly conducive to, you know, life. Generally, the cutting up part tends to be pretty fatal to the frog. Biologists? More like deathologists, am I right?
What are biologists trying to achieve, with their petri dishes and their bacteria? Did the science of biology begin when some nerd was too lazy to clean the bathroom, and so they just tricked people into believing all the disgusting mold growing in the shower was a science experiment? Or was it someone who just really liked hiking or crawling through mud and wanted an excuse to call it academia?
Witherbloom really leaned into the gross side of biology, too. With their fungi and their Pests and all the rest of it, they’re hardly the crisp, clean-cut vision of the real scientist in a white lab coat. And, once again, they seem a lot more interested in deathology than biology, as half their bloody cards make you sacrifice something. In fairness, however, they do have a Bear professor, so it’s not all downside.
Here is a short list of things that very small children learn how to do:
- Eat solid food
- Crawl, and then walk
- Manipulate objects independently
- Express themselves with words
Very interestingly, only one of these things is taught at institutions of higher learning. You don’t go to school to learn how to eat food or pick things up, but apparently it’s fine for schools to continue teaching you how to do something that a literal two-year-old can do: use language. Wow, a language degree. Congratulations on learning how to do something I could do before I was taught how to stop busting grumpies in my own pants.
We all know how to talk. It’s nothing special. You’re going to go to school to learn how to talk gooder? Ridiculous. There are too many words anyway, and for that matter, there are too many letters. We could stand to lose a few – how about C? C is just a part-time S that moonlights as a K. Get rid of it.
You know what? Get rid of language while we’re at it. Books, words, everything – we don’t need any of it. Our ancestors got on just fine for tens of thousands of years with simple, straightforward grunting, and if it was good enough for them, it’s good enough for us.
Silverquill mages are out here with their fancy words and their fancy clothes, slinging efficient removal spells and acting like they’re better than the rest of us, just cos they’d beat us in a game of Scrabble. Alright, book nerd – how about we play a real board game, like Terraforming Mars or Twilight Struggle, and see how you go then?
As if there were ever any doubt, Lorehold is the best Strixhaven college, and it’s not close. There are a range of reasons for this, each more watertight than the last. So rest assured, anyone who attempts to argue against this essentially foregone conclusion is merely engaging in performative contrarianism in order to chase Twitter likes. You hate to see it.
Quite simply, history is the most important academic discipline in existence. There’s no denying this. Why? Because every other discipline – every single other one – is, in essence, actually just history. How can you hope to learn anything at all about anything at all, without first learning what people already figured out? Guess what, idiot! That’s history. You’re not a mathematics student, you’re a history student, and you were as soon as you learnt that 1+1=2, because some nerd figured that out years ago, and now you know it too. History!
Lorehold is here to make history cool again. From intrepid Elephant historians (the perfect creature to study history, as they never forget) to summoning ancient Spirits, from magic flaming scrolls to giant sloths, Lorehold finally shows off all the zip and zap involved with history (and also gives us Rip Apart, one of the sweetest modal cards printed since Cryptic Command). They’re also weirdly into archaeology, and the only difference between archaeology and graverobbing is, like, 200 years.
There are those who might read this and think I’m in some way biased – after all, I do have a weekly history podcast, Half-Arsed History, and my love of the discipline is no secret. To those of you who stand ready to accuse me of bias and favoritism, I say this: you’re absolutely bloody right mate. I am biased, and that’s why Lorehold is number one. But it’s my article and I’ll do what I want – you’re not my dad, and you can’t tell me what to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do a bit of graverobbing with my good friend Quintorius.